My homegirl and I were recently discussing how our own unresolved trauma around relationships and situationships, often feels like cheap accessories to our fit. The fit is the equivalent to our partner, our nigga, our emotional companion or just a new sex partner. The accessories are anxiety, insecurities, possessiveness, entitled like behavior, jealousy, and all of that other shit that causes us to behave like some impatient and impulsive ass birds. The possessiveness and entitlement to our partner's bodies, space, sex and time can often cause us to release our inner angry white woman. And this bitch just jumps out. I mean and she's on fucking 10. This inner self-gets visibly upset when our partners aren't cooperating with the unspoken expectations and roles we have for them. Despite the fact that many of us claim we value transparency, honesty, and consistency. When the only thing that seems to remain consistent in our own lives; are the reindeer games we play.
In short, the reindeer games are the things we continue to do despite us knowing that, that shit is DUMB. And like my homegirl told me during our conversation, "It's like I keep breaking my own heart." And it's true we do break our own hearts because we simply can't stop this cycle of shenanigans. And I think we're all guilty of this behavior, we remain in situations because of its value and contribution to the illusion we'd prefer to live in. The illusion is amazing when we are experiencing joy when everything appears to be sweet. It's like we say we want to be "seen", but only want to be "seen" when we are experiencing joy.
Although we may share these special and valid moments with a partner/s and benefit from these emotions. Perhaps it is time we commit to individuals who also appreciates us and makes us feel seen and make us want to be seen beyond moments of joy. I think so many times we'd prefer that people only see us in our glow. Or we simply feel like the person who makes us feel seen in our glow, shouldn't have access to see us in other moments. We feed into the illusion that these people are also not equipped to handle us in those moments, and that might indeed be true. But many of us often claim we want someone who can handle all of us, not just one part. So why continue to fuck with these people as heavily as we do? Why, sis?
It's almost like we are so accustomed to the illusions and unrealistic situations we forget the possibility of life without illusions. And to be honest, those spaces we frequent the most despite being toxic in some kind of way and stifle our growth, comfort us. They are also a coping mechanism for our own issues as well and sometimes we will complain about alla this shit until we fuckin blue in the face. And while we might pretend we gettin our shit together, we're fucking stalling. All of us. Why? Self-sabotage, fear, consistency, and familiarity. And honestly, until we stop buying illusions and making up unrealistic situations in our head. We'll still be there looking like an overgrown elf in Santa's toy factory. Tryna make some shit fit and work despite it being obvious that we don't belong in that physical space anymore. But being comfortable despite being physically uncomfortable is a bitch. And this is how we look walking around trying to convince ourselves and others that "it's not that bad" .
Have a blessed week beloveds, I hope we all take baby steps in getting to a better place that actually fits us. Maybe we can start by first setting some healthier boundaries.
xoxo
Love Akira D.
